By: GlitteringPeanut42
Art by: BJs4Bildad
Whether you’re an angel or a demon, Bildad the Shuhite is here to help you prepare for the birth of your ethereal or occult offspring.
What an exciting time! You’re about to bring life into this world and it’s your lucky day, because I, Bildad the Shuhite, Midwife/Cobbler, am here to help you prepare for the wonder of birth. It can be as natural or unnatural as you prefer, because if you’re reading this, your demonic or angelic essence can make this experience the adventure of a lifetime.
Now that you’ve all done the fun part and have a life growing inside you, you’ll have to determine which way you’d like your offspring to make their grand entrance. Given all of the variations in Angel and Demon anatomy, there are some different things to consider when planning for the birth of your child. We’ll include a blank birth plan for you to fill out to give to your midwife, from Bildad’s School of Midwifery, to ensure that all of your birth needs are met.
First steps: Choose your preferred method of delivery
Vaginal: The biblical way, just how Eve did it. Your offspring will barrel their way through your birth canal. Winged infants can complicate this process. *In some emergency situations, vaginal deliveries need to be converted to cesarean deliveries for the sake of parent or baby.
Cesarean: Surgical intervention, removing your baby through an escape hatch in your abdomen.
Oviparity: Just how it sounds, lay an egg and give your offspring more time to cook outside of your corporation.
Miraculous: Get that baby out with the snap of your fingers, or we can go very old-school and transmogrify your spouse’s ribs into children (these can come in any size!).
Once you’ve decided on a method of birth then, you can start planning your birth experience. A detailed birth plan will help you and your medical providers know how to best care for you during your delivery.
Things to include in your birth plan:
Medical conditions: It’s important for your providers to be aware of any medical conditions you may have.
Support person: Who do you want by your side, helping you through the most miraculous (angelic or demonic) event of your life?
Pain management: All natural, breathing exercises, medication, miraculous; all kinds of ways to cope with your pain.
Delivery room preferences: Your birth process should be pleasant and enjoyable, what things would bring you comfort?
• Music
• Lights
• Clothing
• Beverages: (this may be limited to ice chips until delivery in some cases)
Movement: The staff will suggest many ways to make you comfortable, but list any preferences here.
Monitoring: Keeping your baby healthy is important, we have various ways to monitor your child, both invasive and non-invasive
Laboring tools: Supports to help you progress through the joys of labor
Birth positions: Any special positions you’d like to try while you’re delivering?
Placenta: What would you like done with your placenta? (if anything)
Aftercare: Things to comfort you after birth
Sample Birth plans: Please note these are just examples, feel free to tailor to your unique needs.
Angelic Birth Plan
Medical Conditions: Gestational Diabetes (because I’m so sweet)
Support Person: My Demonic spouse
Pain management: Demon kisses
Delivery room preferences:
– Music: Celestial harmonies, Soundtrack for The Sound of Music
– Lights: Twinkle fairy lights
– Clothing: Angelic robes that will always feel the perfect softness and temperature
– Beverages: Clear fluids, ice chips, a gentle chamomile tea
Movement: I want to bounce on the ball-wheeeeee, walking to move things along
Monitoring: All the monitors-need to know at all times that my precious angel is perfect.
Laboring tools: birthing bar, yoga ball, wing-grooming brush
Birth positions: Lying on back, water birth, gently hovering
What do you want done with your placenta: Placenta? What’s that? Ew, gross, no thank you.
Medical intervention: only when strictly necessary, this will be the most blessed event of my life (aside from conception)
Aftercare: Demonic snuggles, coochie ice packs, chocolate, dusky nipple lip gloss by Wankee
Demonic Birth Plan
Medical conditions: I’m a demon, I don’t have medical conditions
Support person: My Angel
Pain management: Angel kisses, breathing exercises (If you tell me to breathe one more time I swear to Satan…), all the drugs
Delivery room Preferences:
– Music: The devil’s music, 18 hours of nails on a chalkboard, anything but the sound of music.
– Lights: dramatic lighting, rave lighting
– Clothing: I’ll shed my own clothes, leather, my beloved’s tartan robe (GET THAT HIDEOUS TARTAN AWAY FROM ME, THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT)
– Beverages: espresso (I haven’t had caffeine in months!), ice chips
Movement: Let me lounge across the bed, I’ll move only if necessary, let me coil comfortably in a warm spot
Monitoring: Monitors? We don’t need no stinkin’ monitors!
Laboring tools: birthing bar, heat lamp, warm rock for lying across
Birth positions: squatting, water birth, coiled
What do you want done with your placenta: What we always do, I’m going to eat it.
Medical intervention: all necessary intervention to save my life and life of the offspring
Aftercare: Whiskey, coochie ice packs, words of praise- tell me I was a good boy
Bildad’s Cobbled Together Birth Plan
Medical conditions: None, constitution of an ox
Support person: If Job is unavailable, that one angel, or a goat
Pain management: I live for pain
Delivery room preferences:
– Music: hard rock, rhythmic drumming, tuvan throat singing
– Lights: candles, flaming walls
– Clothing: hospital gown, my own clothing, big flowing robes to contain my life-giving bush
– Beverages: blood of my enemies, a nice vintage of wine
Movement: Let me lounge across the bed, let me walk the halls, let me smite your goats
Monitoring: Regular tarot card pulls should give us plenty of information, what does the book of prophecy say
Laboring tools: yoga ball, warm bath
Birth positions: Standing, lying on back, water birth
What do you want done with your placenta: my occult friend is going to use it for some spells, bag it up!
Medical intervention: I’m an expert midwife, I don’t need extra help
Aftercare: Coochie ice packs, ox ribs, snuggles from that angel with the hair and the neat white… BJs
For your very own blank birth plan to fill out prior to your delivery, please visit us at bildadscelestialbirthplanning.com to download your own. Feel free to be as detailed as you like. We’re here to make sure you have the most amazing experience possible!
