By: The advertising team of pepper_bird and mageofthepeople
Have you grown and cultivated a gorgeous ‘stache only to have your friends, family, neighbors, colleagues, pets, and even strangers make disparaging comments? Do you long for that sweet corner office but keep getting passed over for promotion by “clean” faces?
Do you suffer from false accusations of:
• Villainy,
• Being an imposter from a Mirror or other (Evil) Alternate Universe,
• Porn industry affiliation,
• Entering a look-alike contest (including but not limited to: Groucho Marx, Sam Elliot, Pablo Escobar, Robert Goulet, Tom Selleck, Salvador Dali, Burt Reynolds, Freddie Mercury, upside-down Frida Kahlo, bad-guy Henry Cavill, Alex Trebek, Wilford Brimley, Anthony J “Disco” Crowley, Fell the Marvellous, Mario, Luigi, Wario, or other),
• Misplacing one’s razor?
Are you a target of:
• Harassment,
• Threats (razor, scissors, et cetera),
• Job stoppage/Firing/Retaliation,
• Shaming,
• Begging/Pleading/Praying,
• Mocking with a piece of hair or other fuzzy material,
• Inappropriate comparisons to animals (including but not limited to: rat, bat, cat, imp, bunny rabbit, chinchilla, hamster, gerbil, ferret, sugar glider, ermine, weasel, badger, lemur, or other)?
If you have experienced pain or suffering related to any of these completely actionable* offenses based on your completely normal desire to look dashing, virile, and masculine, don’t wait! We will go to work for you AND your soup strainer.** And we won’t stop until you’ve received more than you deserve! Call Brown, Burns, Mutton & Chops today for your free* consultation!**
* though non-legally
**The following facial hairs will not be considered: unibrow, goatee, soul patch. Chin curtain beards (aka Amish, Shenandoah) will be treated with extreme prejudice.
***Fee-based
****Mustache riders standard with every contract
