By: Polycakes
Art by: petra_draws
On this planet Earth, supernatural beings have played an integral role in our evolution. And after many years of program making, I, David Attenborough, am lucky enough to be able to go back in time and space to share with you some of the most exquisite behaviors and biological changes of these extraordinary creatures.
It is over 6,000 years ago, at approximately 9:15 am that God created the universe. And it is just after the beginning that we find ourselves in the early days of the world, here, in the Garden of Eden.
Inside these looming sandstone walls, sunshine falls upon the garden. It is only day 5, and humans have not yet been born. Yet this earth is not devoid of life—amongst the stone parapets of a wall that sits at a height of 40 metres, a herd of cherubim are anxiously bumbling about as the smell of the world’s first warm spring air signals to their pituitary gland to produce oestrogen. This stimulates fleshy bulbous growths near their shoulder blades, which rapidly develop into wings.
An adolescent angel, or Angelus principatus, holding a flaming sword as a display of strength, gently pushes the cherubim off the wall towards the center of the large garden for their first flying lesson.
Unbeknownst to the cherubim taking their first flight, there is another creature in the garden.
It’s a demon.
Daemonium serpens. Also called the snake demon, this creature’s pubescent hormonal changes have put them in a foul mood. They recall being a cherub and resent no longer being welcome in the angelic flock. As they crawl on their belly, they realize their most meaningful interpersonal interaction occurred during the early creation of the galaxy.
As progesterone flows through their bloodstream, they flick out their tongue, searching for someone to complain to—and the flaming sword has attracted their attention. They consider approaching the young angel, but for now they will watch and wait. They’ll remain here until the summer, when they must return to the branches of a local micro-orchard, where they will convey to early humans the importance of consuming two servings of fruit per day.
————
Soon after the Fall of Man, we find our lonely snake demon slithering up the wall in the hopes of returning to the adolescent principatus. Mentally noting the lack of the angel’s flaming sword, they quickly transform their body to that of a human male. This transformation is commonly used by Daemonium serpens to attract a mate…
…and it’s working.
As rain falls upon the Earth, the angel raises a single wing to protect Daemonium serpens from the deluge. Our demon accepts the respite from the rain, but will not be able to express his gratitude, or even understand what love is, for at least six thousand years.
—
Soho, London. A part of our planet that can feel so alien from the Garden of Eden that one may think there is little chance of our Angelus principatus thriving in such a complex, modern environment. And yet this extraordinary creature has chosen this thriving neighborhood for what may be the most important moment of his life: finding a mate.
It is here that our angel prepares his home for a party.
As principatus decorates, he rearranges furniture and creates what appear to be a series of floating chandeliers. While principatus claims that the party is a means of arranging the courtship of two neighboring humans, it is actually an attempt to build a highly attractive nest to lure our demon into the act of coitus.
Perfect. His obsessive housework pays off.
Building such a nest is not typical of the principatus, but this one has learned such behaviors through engaging in the human activity of reading romance novels. He will continue to work on his display in the hopes of serpens entering his domain during the party, at which point, our angel will begin his elaborate courtship dance. However, with the increasing pressure from Heaven and Hell to end the world, it is likely principatus will end up dancing alone tonight.
—
Although Principatus has had difficulties drawing Daemonium serpens into his elaborate lair, it appears that another suitor has entered proceedings. The Archangelus benedictus. Much like a capuchin monkey, benedictus has evolved to use tools to attract a new sexual partner. And this one is sporting the highly unusual “it’s my dick in a box” method of seduction. We are very fortunate to witness such an extraordinary event.
Upon benedictus’ raising of the box to display his sexual prowess, the principatus takes one look at the suitor’s Effort, and quickly ushers him into his roost, eager to commence coit—oh no, wait. It appears the angel intends to share his spoils with serpens, whom he summons to join the amorous pair through conventional means.
Although angels and demons rarely mate for life—or indeed, mate at all—it appears that monogamy is our demon’s order du siècle and he is unwilling to share. And whilst our angel is evidently devoted to his prickly partner, he nonetheless admonishes serpens to remind him of his place in the pecking order.
As night falls on Soho, London, we encounter Daemonium serpens once again. However, this time youth has departed and he is now well in the throes of…the peri-menopause. Very little is known about peri- or indeed meno-menopause, despite countless human males insisting on the contrary.
This leaves us reliant on our keenest of senses: observation.
Not even a demon’s infernal biology is immune to the whims of nature’s biochemistry.
As we observe, the demon experiences spontaneous hot flashes, bouts of rage, and of course, an erect penis. All of these typical symptoms combine to inspire him to take reckless action in pursuit of his mate.
A bold action, and one that after 6,000 years of courtship, one might argue is a touch overdue.
But will his chosen mate reciprocate?
…No.
While many of our actions may be at least in part ascribed to testosterone, oestrogen, confettimine, and other very serious hormones commandeering our sense of self, it is evident that these are not the only forces at work here.
For in our demon’s absence, the principatus has been approached by yet another potential mate. While initially the attempt to divert his attention appears ineffective, our angel finally succumbs to the siren call of the Metatron’s pressed linen suit, white whiskers, and deep marionette lines.
As before, Daemonium serpens rushes in to ward off any would-be rivals from his desired mate—but unlike previous occasions, his efforts prove fruitless.
It appears that this time, the principatus will only accept a polyamorous throupling, as he implores that the demon join him in accompanying the Metatron to his nest box.
Serpens makes a compelling plea, but it appears that not even the siren call of a thousands-year-old situationship can tempt this angel.
And in the end, as in the beginning, our Daemonium serpens is alone once more.
