A guide to sex on the beach for the discerning gentlebeing
Writing: LemonTart & Zin_Lynn
Art: OneDapperCat
Summer has arrived with a splash, and it’s time to beat that heat (if you catch my drift)!
Hello, Mrs Sandwich here, ready to service all your sex-on-the-beach needs this season, from delicious cocktails to brag-worthy cock tales. Now, I know, many of you might be hesitant to get steamy on the seashore. You may be thinking: “I don’t like sand. It’s coarse and rough and irritating. And it gets everywhere.” But don’t worry, I’ve brought the recipe for success, all the Dos and Don’ts to keep that friction right in all the spots we like best—and out of your cracks and crevices.
1. Gather your ingredients
DO bring a blanket for your amorous activities. You don’t want sand sticking to your sausage roll or chafing your picnic basket now, do you? A little sand in an oyster might make a pearl, but I for one don’t want the stuff anywhere near my clamshell.
DON’T leave the necessary protection behind—and I’m not just talking sun cream. We don’t mess with crabs ‘round these parts, if you know what I mean. Condoms, babes. I mean condoms. And lube.
DO pick a private spot for your hanky panky. Getting arrested for public indecency really kills the mood. Trust me. If you want an audience, you can always bring a consenting friend or two along for a day of fun in the sun.
DON’T forget to check for jellyfish before taking a roll in the wet sand. And did you know peeing on a jellyfish sting can actually make it worse? (If you want that sort of thing, you’ll have to pay extra for it, but don’t worry—all my girls do it.)
DO check the tide table before banging on the beach. Get swept away by passion, not an unexpected wave!
2. Mix it all up and pour over ice
DON’T have too many Sex on the Beach cocktails before, well, having sex on the beach. Keep it aboveboard and classy.
DO play with those beach balls (wink wink). Give ‘em a good jiggle and squeeze.
DON’T use Sex Wax on anything but your surfboard. Save the wax play for the bedroom!
DO indulge in some role-play if the mood strikes. Who doesn’t enjoy a hunky cabana babe in an itty bitty Speedo? Gets my motor racing, I can tell you.
DO try some temperature play—pack some ice in your cooler and watch your lover melt as you trace a cube over their skin ever so slowly. Or lick an ice lolly then orally pleasure your partner. (Is it getting hot in here?)
DON’T forget to pick the best position for sex-cess, sans sand. Spoon on a blanket? Sensual. Straddle that cabana babe? Swoony. Stand and deliver? Oooh, saucy!
3. Garnish: don’t skip those cherries on the top!
DON’T miss the chance to take a steamy shower together after all that sandy sexiness! Who knows? You may get caught in a second tsunami of lust!
DO pick a spot for post-coital nibbles. You’ve worked up quite the appetite, I’m sure! So treat your lover to some oysters and a stiff drink. You’ve earned it.
Most importantly, my lovelies, let those waves of pleasure roll through you and lean into that salty spray!
XXX,
Mrs Sandwich
