Join Aziraphale and Crowley in hosting a backyard party fit for Eden!
By: Pepper & Dance
Art by: FloofyRaptor
Hello, dear readers! When Crowley mentioned having some quality al fresco time in the garden together, I realised he was right – we hadn’t done any outdoor entertaining for our neighbours since moving into our lovely Sussex cottage! Well, I did what any respectable former Guardian of a Garden would do! I rolled up my sleeves and got to work planning our first garden fete.
Once Crowley had regained full consciousness – he does so love my forearms – he remarked rather caustically and long-windedly that, while I’d apparently misunderstood his initial intentions and indeed had missed the implied boat by several oceans, ultimately he’d be willing to assist using the height of his creative and imaginative powers. He did draw the line at wearing a white catering jacket, more’s the pity!
So let’s dive right in with those essential openers to any gathering, canapés and cocktails!
Morsels and Mouthfuls
For canapés, one can never go wrong with a picnic table laden with deviled eggs, charcuterie with cheese and olives, pickles of all kinds, a fresh pico de gallo or warm avocado salad, and bowls of nuts and crackers and crisps. A lovely selection of sushi would be simply divine! I once had a delightful roll at a little spot in Plymouth of all places — tuna, salmon, sea bass, tobiko, mmm. Marvellous! Don’t hesitate to get inventive with your serving platters – is there anything less appealing than choosing a futomaki from a paper plate? And of course, a tray of various fresh veg and fruit, beautifully sliced, is always welcome.
Well, when it comes to cocktails, Aziraphale’s pressed me into service like a regular dictator. Guess he thinks I’ll be a natural at it? Always did have an affinity for cock and tail. Anyway, you want your guests to get nice and liquored up so they won’t say straight to your face how terrible your canapés and appetizers and floppy-meat-and-cheese-on-a-plate you picked up from the nearest Tesco are. The minute they get in the door, put a glass in their hand.
Right, drinks. Margaritas – always a good choice. Salt on the rim, tequila within, they’ll be slurping them down like there’s no tomorrow. Other stuff, can’t go wrong with a selection of beer, from watery muck to quality brews. No discrimination for taste at your garden party! It’s not on! If your liquor supplies are well-stocked you can run the gamut like a proper bartender: bourbon and soda, proper whisky, G&Ts, maybe a jasmine or an aperol spritzer if someone’s fussy about their drink and you feel like indulging them. If you want to support Hell’s mission, pick up a few dozen six-packs of White Claw and set them around the yard at alluring intervals. Oh, and angel probably wants a non-alcoholic option for kids and teetotalers, so get a bunch of lemons, squeeze ‘em, and mix ‘em with sugar and water and ice. There, sorted.
A Meatier Métier
Thank you, Crowley. Let’s move on to additional and main dishes! If you expect vegetarians, a lovely bowl of tossed salad and a variety of special dressings will suffice, I’m sure. Also scrumptious, quinoa or black-eyed peas can be mixed with red onion, sweet corn, oil, vinegar or lime juice, pimento, tomato, fresh cilantro, and spices. For meatier offerings, try a platter of caprese sandwiches with a choice of fresh breads. Or you could whip up a batch of that staple of any gathering, sausage rolls! Any additional thoughts, demon?
–
All this sounds like padding for the booze, if you want my opinion. But if you really want to wow your guests, you’ll invest in some special plating and service for this course. I’m thinking… picnic blankets all over the grass. I’m thinking guests getting naked because otherwise they’ll get their clothes all messy with food, won’t they? I’m thinking roleplay, white catering jackets. I’m thinking orgy, yep. Toss those salads. Make a sandwich while you eat a sandwich. Roll that sausage in your palm, right into your mouth. All combinations of fillings are acceptable. Angel on demon or demons, demons on humans, human-human-angel-demon…again, you don’t want to be snooty. Delicious! …Angel? What’s the problem? ‘S good, right? Proper hospitality.
A Sweet Finish
Demons. Well, that was less than helpful. In any case, after everyone’s properly satiated from the mains, you’ll want to serve an appropriate climax to your meal! A light and tempting dessert will be key to your overall success. Some suggestions that are sure to please: that happy standby, spotted dick. For a change, make individual puds and serve with lashings of creamy custard. There’s also angel cake, one of my personal favourites. If you’re feeling particularly English, you could forgo proper dessert and serve a cream tea with scones, jams and jellies, and clotted cream. If you’re feeling biblical, a kind reader sent me a recipe for Eve’s Pudding, which is a lovely upside-down cake baked with apples. Any final thoughts, Crowley, before we send out our invitations?
–
Have to agree on this one, light and tempting is essential, since everyone’ll be getting biblical. I’m thinking less cake and more mousse. Fluffy, sweet, could mix some fruit in. Also, point in its favour – can be licked off the most inventive of serving platters.
If cake is absolutely necessary – say, if you have an angel making big sad eyes and an enticing pout at you – some kind of fruity trifle. Bring plenty of wipes and napkins for guests who won’t be able to miracle themselves clean afterward, or you could get extra fancy and invest in a rustic outdoor shower area.
And I have to say, angel, all these recipes are making me a bit…peckish.
—
Oh! Mm. Well, there you have it. We’ll toddle off now to continue our…planning. I’m sure you can find recipes for all these lovely things on that World Wide Web, or if you have your own demon, simply have him miracle the tables and blankets and dishes and drinks into existence. Best of luck with your garden fling! Be sure to write to Wingz and tell us the results!
