By: Dance
Art by: Gleafer
Hello, everyone! It’s me, Muriel… It sure is confusing down here on Earth. Like, sometimes it’s “Muriel, d’you know why ducks have feathers? To hide their butt quacks.” Why did Mr. Crowley laugh so hard? Besides, their butts don’t quack, so it doesn’t make any sense! But maybe together we can make some sense out of your questions! So let’s all have a nice look at a cuppertea and dive right in. -Muriel, 37th order scrivener
Dear Muriel-
As hard as it might be to believe, I do have a problem. You see… I am the epitome of perfection. I have never sullied the temple of my celestial body with gross matter, unlike some angels… Now I know that sounds pretty amazing (and it is), but the truth is, I feel like I sometimes intimidate my subordinates. How do I keep them on track without having to deprive them of my awesomeness or pretending to be less than the sublime being that I am?
#1_Heaven’s_Angel
Dear #1Angel-
That does sound awful! Makes me think of my old boss. He often told us all how great he was (but to be honest, he was a bit awful!). But now I work for Mr. Crowley at the bookshop. He was terribly frightening at first; he’s gruff and grumpy and a demon and all. But now that I’ve gotten to know him, I think he’s really ni… oh, no, I’m not supposed to say that. He’s… um, very goo…nope, not supposed to say that either. Well, anyway, he’s a great boss. Maybe you can spend some time with him!
Yours, Muriel
Dear Muriel-
I am the luckiest demon in the world. My dearest garnet and I are deeply in love. She’s the most graceful, intelligent, ambitious person I’ve ever met. But, whenever we go out into public, she won’t acknowledge me. Is it possible she’s ashamed of me? I haven’t gotten very far in the hierarchy of Hell… Crowley and Azirapalarapa… Azirapalalala… Azira… that angel friend of his made sure I didn’t get the promotion I was looking for. Could that be why my darling is loving and devoted in private, but standoffish in public?
Deer In Headlights
Dear Deer-
Poor Deer… that’s so sad! But maybe she has a good reason for what she’s doing. It sounds like she really cares about you. When Mr. Fell has meetings with the other angels, he never mentions Mr. Crowley, even though I know that he cares about him a lot… or… at least I think he does. He never does actually say anything but he has this look about him he only gets when he and Mr. Crowley go into the back room and say I can’t go with them. What I mean is… maybe she can’t? But you can be there to support her! If you know she’s yours when you’re alone together, be her right hand demon in public, and her sweetheart in private!
Muriel
Inspector Constable-
How d’you convince a stubborn angel that they’re in the wrong? I’ve known a certain angel for a long time. A LONG time… we’ve been working together for the last six thousand years, for Satan’s sake. And he is the most headstrong, stubborn, aggravating… wonderful person I’ve ever known. Recently we had a bit of a tiff. Got out of hand. Things were said. But he wouldn’t admit that he was being unreasonable. Of all the… it’s just… ‘s insulting! ‘I forgive you’… NGK!! Sometimes he needs to admit that he’s the one who’s wrong.
AppleTempter4004
Dear Apple-
Oh dear. That’s so very sad… you sound like my poor dear Mr. Crowley. He and Mr. Fell had a big argument and it made both of them very sad. Well, let me be the first to say that angels certainly do make mistakes. I make them every day! But it can be difficult to admit, especially if you are doing something for someone else. And especially if they know they hurt you! I think… the best thing would be to talk to your angel friend. I know you can work it out together!
Muriel
Quack quack – [Little Angel]
Quack quaker quack quacken? Qua qua quack. Quack quack.
[Where’s the guy with the frozen peas? He doesn’t come around anymore. Send him back.]
Quack Quaaa [St. James Duck]
Quack Quaaa – [St. James Duck]
Quacker quack. Quack quack qua! Quak quak quack quaquaqua quack quack? Quack quack?
[He’s not been well. But I’ll send him out, some sunshine will be good for him! By the way… why do you have feathers? Do your butts quack?
Qua Qua [Muriel]
–
Well! This was quite the experience! I’m so glad that everyone here trusted me with their problems. I hope that I was able to help, at least a little bit! Maybe… we could do this again some time? Until then, I’ll be here if you need me!
